Shame. Part One.

I've walked away from jobs, tail tucked between my legs, thrice. 

The industries and circumstances were different but the feelings were the same - embarrassment and shame.

The first: I had just graduated from college and was looking for my very first “grown up" job. It was a tough job market in 2004 (holy cow that’s twenty years for those of you math whizzes playing along!) and I had only gotten the interview because a friend, who was leaving the position, walked my resume in, and personally vouched for me. Throughout the interview process the HR Director kept reiterating that she was taking a chance on me and that it would be very unusual to hire me for this role because it was not an entry-level position. 

And so with a mix of “you won’t regret this, I’ll rise to the challenge” and “well obviously I don’t belong here and you're all just waiting for me to fail” I accepted the role of Catering Manager at a boutique four star hotel in the Bay Area at the ripe old age of 21. 

Several months in, I was at a dinner with a few colleagues and I’m pretty sure alcohol was involved. I felt myself getting loose and letting the mask of professionalism fall away. I wanted to bond, I wanted to be the cool girl, so I repeated a rumor, a harmless rumor in my mind, about two (married) executives at the hotel and an alleged relationship between them. My colleagues laughed along and we went on to other hot topics.

A few days later, I was called into HR (did I mention that one of the executives I blabbed about was our HR director? Yeah real rookie move.) 

As I sat across the desk from her I could feel time slow down as my heart rate sped up. She told me she knew about this dinner and that she had been on the agenda. Then she looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me that this was a vicious rumor that had the power not just to tarnish her career, but to destroy her family. 

I thought I was just repeating a juicy piece of gossip. In fact I didn’t even think I was sharing something they hadn’t already heard. I hadn’t considered that it wasn’t true. I hadn’t considered the implications. I hadn’t considered her feelings at all.

I wasn’t disciplined or put on probation, but she told me how disappointed she was that a fellow woman would contribute to such an accusation. I apologized and left her office as quickly as possible. 

I would love to tell you that I was truly remorseful and that I understood the gravity of what I had done but I was 21, and that pesky prefrontal cortex was very much not formed yet. Instead of remorse, I felt anger. Anger that someone at that dinner, colleagues I thought I could trust, ‘ratted me out’ to HR, and I was pretty sure I knew who had done it. I buried all of my shame and embarrassment and let rage rule the day. I was petty and passive aggressive to the coworker I suspected. And I was convinced that everybody knew about what happened and was talking about me behind my back.

These feelings overwhelmed me and when the opportunity presented itself to walk away and seek my fortunes elsewhere, I jumped at it.

In retrospect, this incident altered the trajectory of my whole life. Not only did I leave this job, but I left the Bay Area and followed my boyfriend to Reno, NV where I proceeded to spend the next eight years of my life. Because the hospitality industry left a sour taste in my mouth I jumped into advertising- newspaper ad sales, hoping to escape the stupidity of my choices. 

Little did I know there was a lot more stupidity to come.

To be continued…