Shame Part 3

The newborn haze and the blogging days.

I had a baby and I started a blog, not necessarily in that order.

I was living in Reno and the only mom friends I had made (at La Leche League meetings) appeared happy and fulfilled- they smiled like 87% of the time. They seemed to genuinely enjoy caring for an infant and were elated by things like cluster feedings a wonderful opportunity to bond with baby! And delighted with cloth diapering- saving money and the environment!

This was not my experience.

My days felt…neverending. Nursing and washing diapers was Sisyphean (and soooo boring) and I struggled with my new identity- is this mother creature all I am now?

I was desperate for community and I found it online in the world of ‘mommy bloggers.’ After all, this was 2010 which might just have been the golden age of blogging.

I sought out the witty, humorous, honest writers in the blogging space. There were dozens and dozens of incredible women all carving out a niche for themselves. Modern-day Erma Bombecks shaping culture from their kitchen tables. They soothed the beast within me, the one that cried out ‘Is this all there is?’ what was the point of getting an MBA anyway?’ Ok, that last part might have just been my mother.

The relationships we made online were unique. We bonded fast and furious with one another, a digital sisterhood of moms who were ‘just like us’. These relationships sometimes felt stronger than our in-person connections, especially in the postpartum sleepless haze. And we had access to each other 24/7 through our blog comments or Twitter or in many cases because we had exchanged phone numbers.

One blogger I met, let’s call her Josephine, was such an instant connection. When I “met” her in the blogosphere I clung on for dear life. I poured my heart out to her about the crushing loneliness I experienced in a way I didn’t feel I could with anyone else, and even though we didn't really “know” each other she made me feel that she was a safe person to talk to. She was also an incredibly gifted writer and made people laugh, cry, or just plain feel with her words. And she took the time to comment on my blog and encourage me.

Josephine and I were both set to attend a premier blogging conference.These conferences were where thousands of us would gather to meet and talk business, branding, and babies. Anyone and everyone who took blogging seriously was going to be there.

The conference events (official and unofficial) were an even bigger deal than the content of the conference itself. There were all of these sponsored parties and organized dinners, some women were so sought after that they’d be double booked at fancy events where brands wined and wood them…I remember a horse-drawn carriage at one of these things (but ironically not the brand who paid for it, sorry brand you wasted your moolah).

I was looking forward to finally meeting Josephine and other blogging friends IRL (in real life) but both she and I confessed to each other that we were full of anxiety about meeting so many people that we normally interacted with in a two-dimensional setting. Would people be as nice in real life as they were online? Or would they be unkind and pretentious? Worst of all would we be snubbed and leave brokenhearted?

The conference was (predictably) completely overwhelming. I was still nursing so I brought my husband and daughter to San Diego with me and kept sneaking away to hang out with them throughout the event. And though I had tried to get something on Josephine’s calendar ahead of the conference, the timing just never seemed to work out and as the conference went on we barely saw each other, save a few waves across the room.

I thought we would both prioritize seeing each other. But it turned out that Josephine had a lot of other priorities that weekend. (I know, I know it’s shocking that people have lives outside of MY wants and needs and expectations.)

Instead of allowing her grace and giving her the benefit of the doubt I took this to MEAN SOMETHING. And I then I felt all the feelings. The biggest most shame-inducing feeling was that I had just manufactured a friendship where there wasn’t one. Perhaps Josephine was just a very kind fellow blogger who was supportive and took all kinds of extra time to answer my emails and cheer me on. Perhaps she had hundreds of people for whom she was that sort of fairy blogmother to. I mean if our emails to each other were any indication of her relationships with others, then I’m confident she touched many lives and uplifted many weary souls. But she was not my new best friend. And golly even if she was, the fastest way to kill a friendship is to levy EXPECTATIONS onto it.

But alas I did, and then I emailed her and told her I was VERY DISSAPOINTED. She didn’t love that. Can’t say I blame her.

Well I don’t blame her now (many many years of therapy later) but at the time there was blame, and shame, and disappointment and lots of big big feelings. And guess what? It killed our friendship, or bloggy-ship, or whatever relationship there was. We stopped interacting with each other altogether. And the level of awkwardness for the next several years as we bumped into each other at blogging conferences and writers conferences, well it was HIGH. I even stopped myself from participating in the Moth storytelling competition for TWELVE YEARS because rumor had it she was doing the Moth TWELVE states away. Logic and feelings don’t always mix my friends.

I wish I could tell you that the lesson I learned was not to keep levying expectations onto the people in my life. (I'm sure my kids would appreciate that most!) But unfortunately, as my therapist keeps pointing out this is one of my BIG LIFE THEMES. (Well this and BOUNDARIES.)

So while Josephine and I may never reconnect to resolve our differences I can appreciate and apply the lesson she taught me: give each other grace, we are all imperfect creatures doing our best.

PS have you experienced this kind of shame? Tell me all about it Bubelah!

PPS want to catch up on the rest of the series on shame?